Every Friday is Monster Friday

By: Finlay


Dick Fussell, professional sleep artist, opened his eyes cautiously, one at a time; and turned to face the monster. It lay there, breathing heavily in its sleep; a curious looking thing with a pink round bottom and porky legs. But it had the snout of an alligator and a fearsome set of white teeth; and as Dick watched, it shed a tear.

Stay in the Nile, crocodile, thought Dick; and I’ll try to drink less on Friday nights.

Then he fell asleep again.




The other side of town and A&E was gearing up, clearing out the patient souls who had waited the afternoon to make way for the seedy rabble that was coming.

“And what can we do for you tonight, sir?” said Dr Lupus, “What has happened to you?”

The patient was doubled up and inelegantly poured into a department wheelchair. He seemed to be having difficulty speaking as he gestured at his crotch. His mate standing behind stopped sniggering long enough to recount, with obvious relish, that the hapless guitar hero had sustained this injury by drunkenly punching himself in the hickory dickories during his karaoke impersonation of Jessie J.

“I not understand,” frowned Doc Lupus, “you will show me please.”

The patient staggered out of the wheelchair, made some horrific dance moves more worthy of a dyspraxic walrus than a stage school graduate, and groped thoughtlessly at his tender antipodes. He promptly gasped and fell to the floor.

Doctor Lupus laughed like a storm drain on nitrous, “The English: always they are mucho stupido!”  he declared, and went on his way cackling.

Just another Friday night at St Barf’s…




Meanwhile, Willy Balding sauntered down the high street feeling hungry. It was half past six and still quiet: the calm before the storm.

Happy hour at Pervy Pedro’s: any pizza for practically nought? Greasy Josephina’s Fishy Fridays? Fatty Wan John’s Famous Dog You Can Eat Buffet? These did not really appeal.

But further along was a narrow black door with cobwebs and a large knocker. The small windows were blanked out and solidly barred. Willy nearly walked past the place before he even noticed it was there. He looked at the sign on the door,


“Hmm,” said Willy, and knocked on the door…

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